Under Development
How to create without ego.
Eventually you learn. Time is fleeting but the days feel slow. The design rocks but something is missing. The guy is perfect but not your kind of perfect. The client didn’t send enough exclamation points in their last email. Eventually you learn that not all of it counts, and you’ll either find affliction in it or beauty.
I tend to oscillate between the two.
Affliction is healthy. It’s both my personal and professional calling to get into the minutiae. As a Libra moon, one thing about me is I’m going to notice every single thing. It’s a talent really, and one that is innate within me. I was made to snoop and to goop. Girl from high school’s Instagram bio suddenly lacking her long-time boyfriend’s username with a heart and lock emoji attached? Clocked. And as a creative, I quite literally get paid to make sure components of a layout are right where they’re supposed to be—and reorient anything that’s out of place. Bubble type not the exact kind of bubbly we needed? Also clocked. Contrast between the colors in a poster not quite there? Again clocked.
But beauty is healthier. The art of letting go. We’ve all read books on it. Watched TikToks on it. Seen Greta Gerwig-directed films on it. To let go doesn’t mean to not give a fuck, though we all know conflating the two isn’t that high a jump. I’m saying, just because I’m letting go of X object doesn’t mean I’ve stopped caring about it.
For an instance, it’s taken a lot of work and effort for me to let go of ego when it comes to client work. Like any creative, every- and anything we make or design or compose will be near and dear to our heart. That’s normal and natural and something that’s not gonna be easy to shake. So what happens if we think a design is wonderful and the client disagrees? We scowl at our computers, suckerpunched by the words “This is super great and I appreciate the work you’re putting into it, but I’m not digging X, Y, Z, A, B, C,” and resort to labeling the client an insipid fool who wouldn’t know good design if it bit them in the bum. Real world client criticism makes design school critiques seem like vacation. In school, we presented our makings in front of a room full of people our age and they would offer comments—of all natures—and we would accept them. And we would be fine. In the real world, we get one email that doesn’t brim with gushing felicitations of amazement and we spiral into fit of sneering.
Me personally, I got tired of that shit. I conditioned myself to getting tense every time a notification from a client came and always assumed the worst—even when the worst didn’t come, because statistically, only 1 out of 5 emails from my clients barrels with criticism. I didn’t like that every time an email from a client hit my inbox I wouldn’t open it for hours out of bad anxiety. (I’m pretty sure my crow’s feet started coming in because of that. And frankly, I think that was the real spark plug to this change. As soon as the bad habit started showing on my skin, I took it as a harbinger from the gods and told myself, bitch, if you carry on like this you will have the wrinkles of a 50-year-old at the age of 23. [Suffice it to say this is no offense to people with wrinkles. Wrinkles can be hot. Just not on me.]) It was a waste of time—to worry, to be anxious, to try and predict—and because I work for myself, to drain precious time being in my head when I could be in my bag just wasn’t gonna be sustainable. I simply couldn’t afford the agita.
Back to my ego in all its splendor. Yes, its removal has done wonders for my practice. Think of it like a liposuction. You suction something out and dispose of it. I took my ego from my brain and heart and threw it away—proverbially, of course; the human ego is far too big to fit in a cannula and tunnel through a surgical vacuum. It’s not an easy task, either—it’s a so-to-speak surgery after all. You’ve got to know your body and its actions and reactions to be able to perform any and such procedure. Me, it took a lot of deep breaths; stopping myself from rolling my eyes whenever a negative feedback round came; affirmations of “This doesn’t define you” and “This is a learning curve” and “This is happening for you not to you.” Yes, lots of that. Lots of back and forth with myself. But most paramount it was an intentional commitment to being a better designer and person in general.
At the risk of parroting therapyspeak and holistic-life-coach parlance, it really is all about intention. And a big fat helping of self-accountability. I liken it to craving ice cream at midnight when you’re trying to fend off eating after 10pm; it’s not gonna be easy, and you think ‘slipping up’ once isn’t gonna add up, but you know deep down it will, and that if you keep at the self-discipline, you’ll be thanking yourself for knowing better than to succumb to the snares of the bad habit you’re wanting to shirk.
If you’re like me and hate reading advice without any actionable steps, then you’re at the right place. Here’s a list of non-negotiables (from me to me) to keep my ego at bay when creating.
HOW TO BE A WORKING CREATIVE AND STOP GETTING IN YOUR OWN WAY — A HANDBOOK
1. DON'T CARRY EXPECTATIONS. The minute you expect a client to love everything about an iteration is the minute you put yourself in the position of potential disappointment. If you're happy with the iteration, send it off and come what may.
2. DON'T LET IT AFFECT YOUR CREATIVE WORTH. Your client is working with you because they like your work. Just because they're not digging this exact iteration doesn't mean you're suddenly without talent and taste.
3. BE OPEN TO THE FACT THAT YOU DIDN'T GET IT. Sometimes, mix-ups happen and you don't give what the client wanted you to. That's okay. No one is wrong and you're not in trouble.
4. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. When a client isn't in love with an iteration, it's about the iteration, not you. Get out of your head and just make the edits (as long as you're getting paid for the rounds, of course).
5. SMILE THROUGH THE PAIN. I mean it. Adopting a positive mindset in the midst of a negative affair will save your life. The next time you get a comment of critique, take a deep breath and physically smile. I do this every time and it works.
6. REPEAT ALL OF THE ABOVE. Before this installment metastasizes into something that could be categorized as tagged#selfcare, let me just finish this by saying you’re good, you’re talented, you’re mad creative, and you can be all those and be a work in progress at the same time. Being under development is a pro, not a con. And you should try telling yourself that, too.
🎰 JAMES JUNK JUKEBOX WRAPPED 2023
I present to you the Definitive James Junk Playlist of 2023. As in I scrolled all the way to January 2023 in my Liked Songs and selected a song from each month. Here they are.
Telephones by Vacations (saved 16 January 2023) — Kicking off with some sad white boy music, which is unequivocally so very me.
Toxic by Izzy Perri (saved 6 February 2023) — A crowd pleaser. And a surefire tune to get your date to fall in love with your music taste.
Dance Away The Pain by Number One Popstar (saved 28 March 2023) — This was my wake up/cardio/dance in my room/bop while in traffic song for months. It fits every mood.
El Invento by Jose Gonzalez (saved 8 April 2023) — For when you’re trying to yearn.
tears that never dry by Tom Odell (saved 4 May 2023) — One thing about Tom Odell is he’s going to provide me with a bop. Any of y’all rockin’ with Tom Odell too? Leave me a comment.
Padam Padam by Kylie Minogue (saved 21 Jun 2023) — The usher of a great gay summer. I hear this song and am transported to numerous filthy bar bathrooms with nothing but a friend, a cutie little baggie, and a dream.
Learning to Fly by Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers (saved 10 July 2023) — Maybe it’s the cardinally Gen Z nostalgic-for-which-I-never-directly-experienced in me, but this song makes me feel so many feelings at once: hopeful, dejected, sleepy, happy. Do NOT play at night after a few glasses of pinot gris by your lonesome.
Nothing On (But The Radio) by Addison Rae (saved 20 August 2023) — Yet ANOTHER Addison Rae mention in this award-winning, critically acclaimed, boundary-breaking publication. It really feels right to give my birthday month pick to her. (Also, anyone else think that Tate McRae has the pop star cred that Addison Rae should’ve gotten? In this essay I will…)
ballad of a homeschooled girl by Olivia Rodrigo (saved 8 September 2023) — Welcome back, Olivia Rodrigo, and thank you for such a banger. The entire second verse of this song is effectively embedded in my brain. Everything I do is tragic, every guy I like is gay. The morning after I panic, “Oh god what did I say!?” She’s so real for that.
One of Your Girls by Troye Sivan (saved 21 October 2023) — Decisively a bop! Everyone give Troye Sivan his 10s for a perfectly whorish readmission into mainstream music and giving us multiple bops to lose our minds in the dark with our friends to.
Dress You Up by Madonna (saved 20 November 2023) — For when you want to sing and dance for no reason.
Cowgirl by Nicki Minaj ft. Lourdiz (saved 26 November 2023) — Y’all lied when you said this new album was a flop! This song literally exists. I’m here for and stand with women.
HONORABLE MENTIONS 🪗
O Lumapit Ka by Ella Del Rosario
papi bones by FKA twigs ft. shygirl
10 Things I Hate About You by Leah Kate
Feel complete by PinkPantheress
Change by FLO
🧾 A RECENT NOTE ON MY NOTES APP WITH NO CONTEXT
Call me a horse cause I got you bitches unstable
Dated December 10, 2023 at 07:14
🤠 A RECENT POST YOU MAY HAVE MISSED
🎲 LIFE UPDATE IN 300 WORDS OR LESS
It’s been a long ass fucking month, one that’s been saturated with ups and downs and lefts and rights. I’m not in the mood to go on about what’s gone wrong and how I overcame them, so let me offer to you a few things from this last month of the year that’s made me feel lucky to be alive.
My new apartment, and studio to boot!
Making memories with my friends on vacation, especially in a sick villa overlooking the water
Seeing family on Christmas Eve, even when my aunts trauma dump on me when I haven’t even yet had a drink
Catching up with old friends
Making new friends
Celebrating dear friend’s birthdays, especially when they’re aquatic-themed
Going to new places and doing new things
Trying restaurants in my new neighborhood, which in my expert opinion is the best way to get to know one’s new quarters
My morning espresso (not an #ad by Nespresso)
The focaccia at Bacetti, especially that honey butter. *stops self from moaning* *fails*
The perfect running trail behind my new place, which we all know is very important to me
And you! Genuinely, fully. Thanks for following along. For opening this email and reading all the way through. For liking my stuff on social and for supporting my work. It means quite literally everything. Thank you from the bottom, bottom, bottom of my heart. XX
🫗 CHAOS FUEL
🧹 Fonts
Moolong Tokatsuki by MoolongType, Kihim by the Indian Type Foundry, Projekt Blackbird by Blackbird Marketing.
🛝 Internet Things
Palette Maker — An ai-powered color scheme maker that helps you see each and any color palette in any design style. Super helpful if you work with various design styles.
Hailey Bailey and Rachel Zegler | Actors on Actors — I’m so happy this series is back and Variety decided to bless us with this pairing.
are you mad at me? by Emma Chamberlain — The gods have smiled upon me, answering my long-standing pleas of an Emma Chamberlain return to YouTube. Are you reading this, Emma? Never desert us again.
🌐 IN THE ORBIT
Twitter / TikTok / Print Shop / OnlyFans / HomeFree / YouTube
Perfection. Beautiful writing as always.